"i don't know why i'm here." they were the first words out of her mouth and she paused as though she expected the man across from her to actually answer. when only silence came, she provided it herself. "i mean, i don't know how well talking will work when i've spent my life shoving it so far down it couldn't see the light of day. but i have a few friends so... openly brave, about how they're coming to someone like this for what's going on in their heads. they say it helps. does it?"

"my ex's parting words for me were how i'm so flawed. now it's not like i really... value his words any more. it just sucks to hear what you feel in your heart from the person who once was suppose to care about you. not that i think he did. but he'll say i didn't care about him, either. i guess because i'm so flawed. i run from the good, and i get left by the bad.

"i don't know. i know talking will help, i guess that's why i'm here. it's just how do i start? where do i start? i've spent my life avoiding speaking of it. i opened up to a friend recently. it was really nice. i told her that i'm so afraid to because i'm afraid people won't understand. or maybe i'm afraid they will. i don't know. i'm scared that they'll see me as too broken. there's been time's i've tried and it's gone wrong. over the years i've learned to keep it buried. i guess i've done too good a job, because too many think i have nothing wrong."

"i've lived with loss since the day i was born. i guess.... that's caused me to fear it more than anything. the one person i wasn't suppose to lose, i never got to have. now i'm so afraid to let anyone close because i'm afraid of the pain of the loss of them. i think it's inevitable, i guess, that they'll leave. i keep everything locked up because i'm afraid to let someone in, to see all of me, and then have them leave. i held a grudge against my own cousin for leaving me. not that he ever fully left. he just... up and moved, for love. i felt so hurt and betrayed. who feels that way over something so foolish? it's not that i didn't realize that. i just didn't know how to stop feeling that way."

"and it's not just love, that's terrifying for that. i have friends now that are pregnant. and i'm happy for them. i'm so genuinely happy. but it also terrifies me. like i'm afraid to hug them. because i'm afraid of what's to come. it's ridiculous, because i work with pregnancy every day in my job. but i was discussing how i deal with the facts, the papers and the data, not the people. i differentiate them so it doesn't hurt. is that healthy? pregnancy scaring me that much? me so afraid someone else in my life is going to go the way she did? worse, that i will. when i was eighteen i got all those tests done, to see if i could have kids. i can. everything looks good, they said. but then, that's not the way she went. i wanted answers, answers i know i'll never get. i'll never get that why. why did these things so rare happen? why her? why me? i went into the career i did because i never wanted someone else to have to ask that question."

"sometimes i wish it were me and not her. i mean i don't want to die or anything crazy like that i just wish... she didn't have to. why did she have to make the choice that i have to live with? don't get me wrong, i thank her every day for giving me this life. it's just... i'm harry and she's lily and this world is voldemort. i wish i had her by my side to fight it. instead i'm just left with a scar that only hurts, and reminds me of what i lost."

"and i never want anyone to ever have to sacrifice for me again. not that i think if i let someone close they're going to have to make that ultimate sacrifice like she did. i don't. it's not that bad. but i don't want someone to ever have to sacrifice anything at all for me. like, i'm not worth that? and i live my life in penance. i have the guilt of a life on my shoulders that i feel like no matter what i do, i'll never be freed from that sin. it wasn't my choice, i know that. it was hers. but i'm still the one who has to live with the consequences of it, not her. i wish i could see it as a blessing, because i know that's what she intended it to be. but i've never been able to get over the hump of it being a curse."

"like, after all this time, i just don't know how to function without flaw and dysfunction. does that make any sense? it seems so twisted. like i deserve it, as my penance. be there for everyone else while i remain tortured. but i know that's not ever what she would have wanted for me, right? see, my head's here. i just wish my heart could be too. i want to heal from these wounds. i wish i'd been able to throughout my life. that's another thing i hate myself for, that i haven't been able to work through this before now. it's not something new, after all."

"but i'm ready to now. i was telling a friend i was thinking of coming to someone like you. that i hadn't been ready to until now. that i knew if i wasn't fully ready, it would be no good any way. i'm kind of like that. it has to be right for me to open up. i came in thinking it wouldn't work, but look at me spilling all these words like a tipped over water glass. i was ready."

"i think a large part of that is the fact i have a better support system in my life than i've ever had before. i went through a lot and i weeded out a lot of toxicity and now i'm just surrounded by such love and loyalty. i have the best family in the world, i've even made amends with the cousin at this point. i have friends who we would mutually lay down for one another, and i'm seeing a guy who cannot stop smiling every time he looks at me, who sees my heart before anything else."

"i know the next step is to tell all of... this, to the people i just named. i know that has always been the hardest thing of me in life, to share my pain and weakness. but i also know that's exactly why it's what i need to do. i put too much on my shoulders and i need to understand that i don't have to. i have broken myself with too much weight too many times and i have these friends who i know would share the load. i just... have to let them."

"they say getting it all out is a sense of relief, i guess i feel that now. but mostly, i just feel exhausted. is that normal? like i could suddenly take a fifteen hour nap and still want more. i mean, i guess it makes sense. i've had terrible sleep for so long in my life, and a lot of that is because these tortured thoughts come for me when i try. but i just weakened them, yeah? took away some of their power. i need to keep chipping away at them. so they can't win any more. so i can be free."